


feeding fires, spinning tires, getting even

by liveyourtemptation



Category: Elementary (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 12:12:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9439892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveyourtemptation/pseuds/liveyourtemptation
Summary: He had once referred to her as their daughter to Watson. Of course that is (mostly) not how he sees her.





	

He had once referred to her as their daughter to Watson. Of course that is (mostly) not how he sees her; it had been simply another jab at Watson; a joke (after all he loves jokes though his are seldom funny) because he knows that it would push Watson's buttons and that is one of his favorite activities: provoking reactions from Watson.

 

So he doesn't see Kitty as his daughter, only in the way that she might be, related in the way her mind trips her up all the time, how every dark corner in her moans at night and every door to her inner self is booby-trapped. He had taken one long look at her in London and realized that they share a tendency for bad decisions; that she is just as kind to herself as he ever is, which is to say, not at all. And just as him her eyes betray an intelligence that make it impossible to forget, which is more an unwillingness to forget, more a bitterness, spite pulsing through their veins.

 

They both hate with the passion of the sun.

 

So what if her hate is directed at someone else, the maker of her scars, the man that is lying to their feet now, and Sherlock hates himself. It is just as violent, as breathtaking a feeling. It is still existing in a world that feels too small and too big at the same time. It is both walking through streets like ghosts. It is wrestling with their own shadow that threatens to overpower them everyday.

 

“Monsters aren't born,” He says when the morning finally comes and they are both still alive.

 

“I thought you don't like quotes,” She says. Her voice is hoarse but she achieves to sound bored anyway. “I know how that particular one ends. I find the implication you are making disgusting.”

 

He forces himself to look at her, small and pale but something burns from within her. It hurts to look at her the same way he avoids mirrors. Some people might call her beautiful and this a story about survival. But he sees her clearly and and he has never had the comfort of seeing himself any other way than he is, so he knows: this is a story about people pretending to be good. Not necessarily bad people, but not good people either. Just people pretending very hard to fit somewhere. And it doesn't matter how they became what they are now. It doesn't matter why. It's still blood on their hands and a conscience that allowed it to happen.

 

He thinks that Watson would be so sad to find out that all her precious efforts to shape them into something different failed. He doesn't want to disappoint her and that's the mess he is in, isn't it. That's the only reason he is still pretending: Watson. He'll care and he'll stay sober and he'll solve crimes anyway but for her he'll also lock up the thoughts that spell violence and ends justify the means and vengeance. Only for her.

 

He doesn't know if Kitty would do the same for someone, if he wants her to. Maybe she'll be like comet: fast and burning brightly until she hits the ground. Maybe she'll become like him: always just around the corner of a cliff to fall off, always tumbling over his own feet, always slicing open old wounds.

 

He doesn't know what is better.

 

“I cannot judge you,” He says and she scoffs.

 

They both feel their own self pressing against their skin from the inside, threatening to break free; a hunger so intense it would scare the world, a hunger that has no end, just a beginning.

 

“You have to go,” He says.

 

“I know,” She answers.

 

Survival is meaningless when the real fight is finding reasons to stay alive. He told her as much once. You have to find other reasons to live than survival.

 

How is that working out for you, she had asked.

 

He never wanted her any other way than this: a smile that hides the teeth. But she never (rarely) smiles so: a mouth that hides the teeth. An animal waiting under the surface of the lake. He likes the violence brimming right under her skin. It keeps her safe. It won't make her happy. But happiness is secondary.

 

She is not his daughter but he loves her fiercely anyway, loves her despite himself and it's a love that makes him understand the value of survival when it is a concept applied to other people. He knows it won't matter to her. He knows that she'll hurl herself into danger and that she'll survive the world but not herself. Just like him.

 

She is not his daughter and she has other scars than that on her back to match his. She is not his daughter and he would burn down a house for her, would kill for her, would take the fall for her. She is not his daughter and he will let no harm come to her.

 

He takes the knife out of her hand and wipes the handle on the hem of his shirt. “Go now,” He says. “Have you touched anything else?” She shakes her head. “Go,” He repeats and she finally does.

 

He sits down in an armchair in the corner and waits. There is blood pooling around his feet. He inspects the knife closely. Good choice. It must have been easy to cut the artery.

 

They'll find him with the murder weapon and they will say, oh I always knew he was crazy. They'll find him at the scene of the crime and Watson will be heartbroken. He doesn't think about the time ahead of him, he never has, the future is an option he never really considered, the future always happened to him by accident.

 

He had once referred to her as their daughter to Watson. Of course that is (mostly) not how he sees her.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Season 3 punched me in the guts. TBH I'm happy with how they handled the situation in the show but somewhere in my brain this scenario is still kicking around.


End file.
